Master Tim Coaching

Archive for August 2019

The Master’s Voice #28: BDSM- The Dark Side.

Over the many months that I’ve been posting these blogs I’ve painted a picture of BDSM as a healthy, stimulating and fun activity. It has been very much my intention to promote the positive side of things. So am I now going to spoil that view? I do hope not, but there is a dark side to BDSM and it would be irresponsible of me not to talk about it. I have also had several questions from readers about what happens when things go wrong and it is time that I replied to them. I will discuss potential risks and then look at how best you can protect yourself from abuse or danger. I will also give some consideration to safe practice both before and during BDSM sessions.

Is BDSM dangerous? My short answer to that is no. Why do I say that?B7dcQffIQAAOCos There is no evidence to indicate that BDSM as a pastime is any more dangerous than any other leisure activity. It is measurably less dangerous than many sporting activities. As in most things it is not the activity itself which is dangerous but more usually the people doing it. The dangerous people are of two very distinct types. First we have the abusers who pose a danger simply because their world is a completely selfish one where they have no respect for their partner’s physical or mental well being. As such, their behaviour may appear more arrogant than assertive, but it is quite likely to manifest itself somewhere along a line from sociopath to psychopath.

Secondly, we have the ignorant. These may simply lack experience but it is with these people that accidents are more likely to occur through lack of knowledge, experience or understanding. This problem can be cured by education and experience but that needs an open mind and a desire to learn. I’ve been a practitioner for forty-five years but I’m still learning. In the early years it’s easy to think that you have become an expert after a few good experiences. Believe me the biggest misunderstanding is that you don’t know what you don’t know.

In the past I’ve been accused of scaremongering over my attitude to safety, usually by arrogant Doms who say that I am making a fuss over nothing because things never go wrong. Well I have news for them. Things can go wrong. Things do go wrong. Yes you should be afraid because like any risky activity undertaken, unless you educate yourself you are putting yourself and your partner in potential danger. What now follows, is an account of some of the things which have gone wrong for real people in real situations. Often the consequences are merely frustrating or embarrassing, sometimes they are painful and just occasionally they are tragic.

In my experience, the most common problems occur during hard cp sessions. I’ve known several subs who have taken severe beatings, canings or floggings far beyond anything they had agreed to. Occasionally this is the result of an over enthusiastic Dominant, but once in a while the Dom administering the beating either loses control or intentionally ignores the agreed safe word. I’ve know subs who have learned a painful lesson and had to walk (slowly!)away from a reckless Dom. Others however have been either physically or mentally scarred by the experience taking months to recover. Some have been so damaged by the betrayal of trust that they choose never again to submit to any Dom.

Possibly the least damaging scenario but apparently no less common complaint is the no-show. This may simply be a case of either a Dom or sub not showing up. It’s not uncommon for fake Doms to lead a sub on with online promises. Worst of all are those who arrange to meet and cause the victim to travel to an incorrect or even non-existent address. The most extreme example that I’ve come across was a Canadian sub who ‘groomed’ a dom who then flew from London to Toronto to spend two weeks with him. Of course on arrival there was nobody to meet him and all the contact details proved to be false. Hard and expensive lesson learned.

10441152_425732350917067_2963202687548291152_nOf course when the address is real that may also be a problem. I have had accounts from two subs in the past who have had to escape from houses where they arrived and felt trapped or threatened. Another young guy arrived at a Dom’s house for a session one Friday night. He was then restrained, drugged and both mentally and sexually abused for forty eight hours before he was released. Luckily he suffered no lasting physical damage but he has never submitted to another man again.

I could recount tails of drug misuse, hot wax burns, severe rope burns, inserted foreign objects, immovable cock rings and pin wheel misuse. There was also the Dom who insisted that he only practiced safe sex but changed his mind once his subs where tightly restrained. Another so called Master on two separate occasions that I know of, left subs to take themselves to hospital with broken arms!

There are just two more activities which I want to mention before completing this sad litany. I suppose they carry some weight with me because both have caused the deaths of subs who were known personally to me.

Bondage and restraint can provide the best of experiences in the hands of a skilled Dom. There are a few simple safety rules which will ensure an absence of risk. I will deal with these in more detail next time. Some years ago however, a well known gay sub on the London scene died when these rules were ignored. First he traveled to America to visit a couple of dominant men but left no details with anyone about where he was going or who he was meeting. It appears that this sub was left in restrictive bondage unattended, overnight. Some time during the night the poor guy choked and was found dead the following morning. The couple panicked and took the body to a remote area and buried it. Cutting a long story short, the guys were eventually caught and charged with the death.

My final warning involves breath play. I will also look in future at the dangers involved with this one but sometime ago I lost a good friend to the activity. The sub was a young guy who choose to experiment alone with nitrous oxide and auto-asphyxiation. The combination was lethal and sadly he also died alone.

That is more than enough doom and gloom for now. I do still maintain as an activity, BDSM is perfectly safe when an ecology of common sense prevails.

Next time, I will go through a list of suggestions for self preservation. I will also look at the really important but seldom considered topic of Positional Asphyxiation. There are many other danger points for the uninitiated and before anyone jumps up and down about these I have not mentioned everything here. I will come back to such things as safe sex, needle play, impact play, scarification, sounding, fisting etc.

Stay safe, share thoughts and above all, have fun!

The Master’s Voice #27: The Benefits of BDSM

Back in February I wrote a blog post on why BDSM might be (or probably is) good for you (Master’s Voice #15). I included a lot of references to academic resources for those curious about the scientific evidence behind the effects of BDSM on mental and physical well-being, so I thought ask my Alpha slave talk a little bit about his own purely anecdotal experience with the benefits of BDSM. What follows are his own words.

If there’s one thing I’ve found myself repeating over and over again throughout this series, it’s that being a slave in a Master/slave relationship is something that I wanted for many years before it became a reality – ever since I was a young teenager, in fact. There are two ways to look at this. One is that I was suffering from some form of psychosexual malady which should have been cured by, I don’t know, a trip to a psychologist. The other is that I was experiencing a relatively normal – if statistically unusual – form of sexual desire, the indulgence of which would be no more harmful than any other set of fantasies involving consenting adults that you care to name.

I suspect that people who argue for the first interpretation would do so on the grounds of the supposed rarity of interest in BDSM. If it was ‘normal’, the argument goes, wouldn’t it be more common?

My first rebuttal to that line of reasoning would be to point out that it confuses normality with frequency. Certain genetic mutations are extremely common, but we don’t say that they represent normal biological functioning because even a casual examination reveals that they are caused by a clear breakdown in normal genetic processes. If you can make the same argument about BDSM, you must have an understanding of human psychology far beyond the rest of the scientific establishment and should probably see about getting yourself a generous grant from a research body.

But I would contend that interest in BDSM is actually far more common than most people think. Sites like Recon have thousand upon thousands of members from all over the world and from all walks of life, meaning that the BDSM illness must be a mental pandemic of the worst kind.

In fact, you can find traces of BDSM in all sorts of unexpected places. Have you ever been in the middle of a TV series, film or novel and suddenly become aware that a part of the story was included only because the author was, er, particularly interested in it? For some reason this used to happen to me constantly with fantasy novels, which tend to include generous (and often out-of-place) examples of bondage, corporal punishment, Master/slave dynamics and many other fetishes, often described in curiously lurid detail. Either these authors are being paid off by Big BDSM, or there’s a widespread enough interest in this kind of thing that major publishers are willing to let it slide because they know that a certain percentage of their readership likes it.

So, interest in BDSM might common, but is it healthy? To answer that question I can only point to my own experience. As I’ve said before, I never had any particular interest in a ‘normal’ relationship. The appeal just wasn’t there for me. I knew for a long time that I would find a Master/slave relationship deeply fulfilling. Should I have just ignored that feeling? Or, worse, should I have gone through the motions with a regular vanilla relationship, knowing all the while that I was essentially faking it?

As a society, we tend to cast indulgence in a certain negative light, particularly if the feeling or desire to be indulged is somehow different to what is practised in ‘normal’ society. It seems to me, however, that absent any reason not to indulge ourselves – in other words, without any clear harmful effect of indulgence – why shouldn’t we do what we want? Certainly, it’s useful to have scientific data suggesting that BDSM has either a neutral or positive effect on its practitioners, but I’m not sure that justification is even needed if the only counter-argument available is ‘I think it’s weird’.

While I’m sure there are people who will argue against BDSM in good faith, in the majority of cases I firmly believe that the negative arguments are based on nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction from people who are uncomfortable imagining a lifestyle that differs too radically from their own. By all means, present a rebuttal if you feel like it, but don’t dignify simplistic prejudice with your time or effort; let them present a compelling reason for why you should defend yourself first. My guess is that you’ll be waiting for a long time.

The Master’s Voice #26: The Art of Spanking Part 3

So, your eager subject is carefully positioned and warmed up. Agreeing to assume the position was the primary act of submission in this process of build-up; now they have relinquished control and you have seduced them into presenting a sexy target for you to exert your authority over.

What exactly do you do next?

Photo Guide to SpankingLocation

In part 1 I talked about which areas of the rear should be avoided for safety reasons. Now we need to consider areas we should be striking.

The warm-up steps should include areas which you intend to use for the main event. Yes, this may focus on the butt cheeks, but be sure to consider both upper and lower cheeks as well as the thighs. The backs of the thighs are very sensitive, but much better (louder) results will come from slaps to the inner thighs. It is both effective and important that you vary the location as well as the intensity throughout the session.

Delivery

Spanking should begin with a few initial slaps with the hand held rigidly flat to act like a paddle. Then relax your wrist to deliver a slightly different sensation. There is a surprising variety of slaps you can perform, all producing slightly different outcomes on different bottoms.

For example, if you cup your hand slightly you ensure that the entire surface makes contact with the sub’s curved bottom and you will achieve a very loud smack. If your aim is to achieve maximum sting, then try just using your fingers. This delivers a sharper, more instantaneous shock to the blushing bottom and you only need to use a few of these to elicit a great response.

To add further to the intensity, try using an open palm with fingers spread. This has the effect of reducing air resistance between your hand and the target, but it also increases the area of impact.

Of course, you need to pace your delivery with any of these styles. The finger-slapping in particular will leave the spanker in more pain than the spankee after an extended period of time. Speaking of which…

Pace and Intensity

My general advice about pace is to keep it steady, 0e66bc86ca99f2e02cc537182e3b7981with some rhythm to it, but also keep it unpredictable. Less is more, and intensity is not about force.

Begin with slow, steady slaps through the warm-up and early stage. Take care not to extend the period of soft slaps for too long or boredom will set in. As you move into the heavy spanking, you need to break it up with some medium slaps or even massaging or the session will become unsustainable for one or both of you.

I find that a good tactic is to build up and maintain a steady pace for a while and then to suddenly stop. This leaves the subject wondering what you are up to just before you start again with a series of harder slaps. Another approach to the mind-games is to suddenly focus on one butt cheek and then the other. You are asserting your control and dominance by taking away the sub’s ability to predict your actions.

Communication

It is essential to maintain good communication throughout the spanking session. Don’t limit this to two-way communication either. Your eyes and ears should be fully employed listening to the reactions of your subject and watching their body language.

Don’t forget to have a safe word in place, but also use a check-in of some kind, especially if one or both of you are newbies at this. The traffic light method works for many, but I have also employed a more graduated scale of numbers going from 1-10. Here, 1 is hardly felt while 10 is the worst pain ever. This also allows for some measurement of the intense portion of the session, where I would aim to keep within the range of 5-8.

This numbering is quite different from the counting of slaps. Some spankers like to have the spankee count each slap. This can be fun in a ritualised punishment session, but it is more suited to formal CP situations (e.g. caning) and should not be treated as the default for a more fluid spanking session.

Good communication will allow the session to be extended for as long as possible for both participants.

f2e343d9-4fd4-487d-bcbb-9f15c120f063Aftercare

My readers will know that I am a great advocate of good aftercare in all BDSM activities. Spanking sessions are no exception to this, and you need to have your exit strategy in place.

If this has been a formal spanking session which ends with the final slap, then you need to move straight to aftercare. this may begin with comforting strokes or even the application of some cooling lotion to the skin. Some will want to take their bruises away with them as a badge of merit; others may be fitness fanatics who don’t want to display a bruised bum at the gym. Here it may be helpful to rub in some Arnica, which can be a very effective herbal anti-bruising cream.

Hugs and cuddles are important, as is praise for a good session. I prefer to leave any discussion or analysis of the session itself for another time. Offer your sub water to drink as well! If the session was for the delivery of a punishment, now is the time for forgiveness to be gently given.

For many, a spanking session may be part of a longer BDSM session with an expectation of sex to follow. The level of arousal during a spanking session can be extreme. Toward the end of the spanking, the arousal can be intensified with well-placed stroking and/or fingering. At some point late in the session, the spanker may find it useful to keep some lubrication to hand in order to aid the process.

This has been a long three-part series, but I hope it delivers enough detail to give you the confidence to go out and try it for yourself. If you’re an old hand, then I hope it has been a good review of the basics.

Nothing develops skill or improved satisfaction like continued practice, so get out there and start connecting your hand to some bottoms! Let me know how it goes, and I hope you have a spanking good time.

The Master’s Voice #25: The Art of Spanking. Part 2

In part 1 we looked at the background to spanking as anc40f1188c02516aa0a64b41978b6b83a erotic BDSM activity. Now it’s time to deal with some of the practicalities. I’ve identified six stages of any spanking session,  so we’ll go  through each of them in some detail. The choreography of each session means that some of these stages may be quite fluid. Although you need to arrange positions at the start, I prefer to describe the warm up first.

Warm Up

This sets the pace of the session and is essential if you want the most amount of fun with the least amount of damage. A good master is never a bully and can deliver a far greater sense of authority by appearing patient. For me the warm up begins long before you position your subject or deliver the first slap.

The physical part of the warm up builds on what you have achieved with your voice and demeanor. Start by massaging the bottom and then spank it gently until it begins to glow. Pause and massage some more while using your voice to subdue, chastise, or relax the spankee. I sometimes like to combine this with the almost ritualistic disrobing of the sub e.g. massage, spank, remove outerwear, massage, spank, remove underwear, massage, spank, proceed.

The pace and delivery of the warm up has two main objectives. The slow methodical build up combined with the use of your voice will build anticipation in your subject. The second objective is the physical one. The initial gentle spanking increases blood flow to the area you are beating. This serves to cushion the blows so allowing you to spank for longer before discomfort terminates the session. It also serves to reduce the bruising.

Of course a great many of the feelings we generate are the result of changes in body chemistry. The warm up serves to increase the flow of endorphin’s which are the body’s own pain/pleasure hormones. This will increase the arousal felt by the subject.

Posture & Positioning

One of the factors which defines spanking is the almost ritual, sometimes ceremonial positioning of both participants. That’s not to say that you can’t indulge in the occasional spontaneous spanking but the ritualised scenes will bring out the best responses. The position adopted by the spankee can greatly enhance the spanking and amplify the feelings for both participants.

6b8eea61ce87dc21ba893af102f9dfc4Over The Knee

OTK spanking as it is known, is the most commonly employed position for most people. The spanker sits upright on an arm less chair or on the edge of the bed. The spankee is laid face down across the spanker’s lap with their head angled down and away from the spanking arm. The knees should be dropped and tucked under the spanker’s thigh with the bottom angled up towards the spanking arm.

The non spanking arm should be pressed against the back of the head or shoulders and taps from the spanking hand can be used to position the legs as required.

Feet should rest on the floor but the full weight of the spankee should be on the spanker’s lap. Hands can rest on the floor or grip the chair or bed.

I like to reach across and hold the spankees right hip and place my elbow on their back to stop them wriggling off. If their right arm comes up in defense it can be grabbed by the wrist and pulled across the lower back to keep the spankee in place.

Purist will differentiate this over-the-lap style from true OTK spanking. Here a right handed spanker will hold the spankee bent over their left knee while using the right leg to restrain the spankees legs.

Grab Your Ankles8937e2ec32830263036e28909e29e4ba

This style is often used in fantasy sessions such as school-style punishments. For this reason it is quiet likely to be used for paddling or caning sessions so I will deal with it in more detail in a CP blog.

Grab Your Knees

Similar to grab your ankles but better for those who may not be so flexible. The bottom is also better presented and the back can be arched to enhance this. Feet should be shoulder width apart with hands placed on knees or thighs. The ceremonial position should be enforced with the spankee made to lift their head to look at a spot on the wall in front of them. This underlines the feeling of submission whilst serving to arch the back to better present the bottom.

Over The Desk/Table

For school or office-style fantasy play. The subject bends over a desk or table with their chest pressed on to it. Hands reach overhead if possible to grip the opposite edge. The height of the spankee or the length of their legs will determine the position of the bottom for paddling or spanking.

Over Pommel Horse or Bar Stool.

Similar to desk but better presentation of a relaxed bottom since the subjects legs may be hanging loose with their hands gripping the legs of the stool.

Kneeling On A Chair

One of the best positions for presenting a well turned up rump. The spankee kneels on the seat pad and leans over the back of the chair with their thighs in a vertical position. Now the upper body is mostly unsupported and so the back can and should be arched to raise the bottom.

1299a16f43ae569b89d18a8cd4ec50a7Laying on The Bed

This can be a great position offering comfort to the subject who is to receive a lengthy spanking but you need to be aware of its short comings. First of course is that the spanker may not find spanking so easy if they have to lean over the bed. Secondly, in order to present the bottom, it needs to be raised up by placing three or four pillows under the midriff. Another reason for this propping up is the need to prevent clenching. When the body is straight as in standing upright or laying flat and face down, the subject will be able to clench their cheeks together and this will considerably reduce the effects of your slaps. The body of the spankee needs to be bent to some degree to ensure a relaxed and bouncing target.

So now, we have warmed up our subject and positioned them for our pleasure. It is time for the main event. In the third and final part, I will describe the delivery of the spanking and how to pace it for the best effect.