Master Tim Coaching

Archive for April 2020

The Master’s Voice #32: Time wasters and Fantasists

923156_190361927783660_1153390768_nI am in the very fortunate position of not actively looking for new subs but I am regularly contacted by guys online and I will happily engage with them and help or advise when I can. Experience has taught me when someone is worth devoting some time to or not because there are a great many time wasters out there. From a Dom’s point of view time wasters are all too many and I believe, are on the increase.

I am old enough to remember a time before the internet and certainly, pre contact-sites. Contacts then were face-to- face and so there was less opportunity to waste anyone’s time. Online contact now provides way too many opportunities to hide behind a profile and mislead people in all kinds of ways.

In my experience most time wasters fall into one of three types. The first are the people who I think of as fantasists. This can appear as an umbrella group and the fantasies can lend weight to those in the other two groups or they can stand alone. Those other two groups are either the malicious or the non malicious time wasters.

Fantasists 

These can either be Dom or sub. The internet actually fuels fantasy and some people are drawn into what I would call fantasy interactions with people with who they will never meet for real. I have previously discussed some of the outcomes where young/newbie subs create an online profile and ten minutes later they are ‘owned’ by  a Dom they have never met and probably never will meet. This new Dom may live on the other side of the country or even the other side of the world. Hardly a realistic foundation for learning relationship.

To give one example of the fantasy nature of this type of scenario, I was contacted online recently by a Dom based in San Antonio, Texas. I’d had no previous contact with this guy but he knew me by reputation (flattered). He’d recently ‘met’ a sexy sub on a contact site and taken ownership of him. He proposed (not asked!) that I should train the guy for him simply because we lived in the same country. In fact the sub lived in the north east of England, some hundreds of miles away from me. I was then expected to report back to the Texan Dom about the progress of the sub. I soon established that said Dom had never travelled outside his own state and certainly knew nothing of the size or geography of the UK. Further to this he had not read my profile and was surprised when I refused his suggestion. I should point out that this was not an isolated example of this kind of thing.

For many fantasists, contact sites provide them with a kind of personalised porn. They can and do create their own personal stimulation through the contacts they make and develop. Where both parties are there for the same reasons no harm is done. Newbies, however can be very naive about all this and are easily drawn into online interactions which are destined to go nowhere.

Whether fantasist or realist we now need to look at the differences between the malicious and non-malicious time wasters.

Non-malicious

Those I label as non-malicious are those who are often new at the whole thing. Fumbling through the scene and nervous about their interactions, they may give the appearance of leading you on. They may even be drawn into making commitments to meet which they simply do not yet have the confidence to see through. I see Doms in particular, becoming very irate with novice subs who will either procrastinate or simply fail to turn up. Perhaps it is the Dom who needs to recall their own early days or at least to learn from their own experiences and manage their expectations.

In my experience, the application of a little tolerance and patience pays off in the long run. The added bonus is that a novice sub will be eternally grateful to the Dom who gives them space and stays with them patiently through the confidence building stage.

Malicious

Then we come to the malicious time wasters. Unfortunately there are lots of them out there. Be wary, especially with online interactions and commitments.

I have known subs who have established strong online relationships. They will make promises of commitment to serve and tell you that you are the best Dom in the world. Just when you are convinced that you have a great potential sub on your hands, you discover that they’ve made the same commitment to half a dozen other guys too. Of course to add insult to injury, they actually have no intention of meeting anyone.

A couple of years ago I was contacted by a Dom to ask if I knew anything about a particular Canadian sub who had a popular online profile spotlighting pictures of his stunning body. I’d actually been approached by the sub before but had dismissed him as fantasy eye candy. The other Dom however had been taken in by they guy’s promises and bought a plane ticket to Toronto where the sub was to meet him and act as host for a week of BDSM induction. Of course the Dom was left standing at the airport with no sub, no accommodation and completely false contact details.

Yes, this is an extreme case but it was a real one. As for the Dom, it had been an expensive learning experience and as he said himself “there is no fool like an old fool”.

There is no one-size-fit-all answer to dealing with time wasters. It takes time, patience and experience to develop both a thick skin and a sixth sense. It would be all too easy to get so suspicious of everyone that you become paranoid and see nobody at all. Be careful not to close yourself off to great opportunities.

There is a lot to be said for common sense and gut feelings. Ask questions and verify facts. If you have any doubts at all then walk away. For every time waster out there you will find many many eager and genuine people to share fun times with.

The Master’s Voice #31: Public Submission

We’ve looked previously at some of the different ways for a sub to express their submission. One important aspect of  this is how to behave when you are both out in public. Since this is an area which my Aapha slave excels in and we do spend a lot of time out together, I have asked him to contribute the bulk of this post.

On one hand, this is obviously something that will vary from person to person, and what works for you may not work for someone else. In general, however, I think it’s possible to divide submissives into two groups: those for whom submission is a mental state that they enter into for a fixed period of time (usually during a BDSM session of some kind) and those for whom the submissive state is constant – or, at the very least, permanent whenever they are around their Master.

The latter scenario presents one obvious problem: how do you express your submission in public? In the privacy of your or your Master’s home it’s easy to do things like wear a collar, but it isn’t socially acceptable to do such things in public. (Unfortunately!)

Thankfully, all is not lost. There are a myriad ways to subtly express your submission, things that will have meaning for you but will not draw any undue attention from those not in the know. And I think the ‘for you’ is a key point here. There’s no list of submissive expressions approved by the High Council of BDSM. You don’t need to justify your own private code of conduct to anyone else. If it has meaning for you and your Master, then go for it, even if others in the community might scoff at it.

Below I’ll describe some of the ways that I express my submission towards Master Tim when we’re out in public, along with my rationale for each. These might be something you want to emulate, or they might not resonate with you at all. And that’s fine! At the very least, I hope they’ll inspire you to think about public submission and what it means for you.

1) Always walk slightly behind your Master

This is a pretty simple one, but it’s also very easy to observe. Whenever I’m out in public with Master Tim I always try to stay one or two paces behind him and walk to his left. What I like about this is that it’s very subtle, but at the same time is something that you really have to constantly pay attention to if you want to observe it continuously. Because of this, it’s a good way to stay constantly mindful of the submissive dynamic in your relationship.

Obviously, this isn’t something you can do absolutely all the time. (Attempting to keep this up in a busy London train station can be a bit of a logistical nightmare, let me tell you.) How strictly you’re expected to adhere to it (or any of these suggestions) will be something for you to decide with your Master.

Master T. This is something which he does automatically but when in a crowded situation I love watching him self-correct as we keep moving. Also, my husband likes to walk on my left. When the three of us are out together, I sometimes have to stifle a giggle when, out of the corner of my eye, I observe them both good naturedly jostling for that position!

2) Opening doors first

A good exception to the above rule, if you’re following it, would be to step forward to open doors for your Master. Again, it’s something that’s very easy to do, but if you try to do it all the time you’ll realise that it takes quite a bit of vigilance to get right.

3) Carrying things for your Master

This one is a bit of a no-brainer. If you’re out in public with your slave, why should you carry something yourself when they can do it for you? If I’m out with Master Tim and he has something to carry (shopping, a coffee cup at a cafe, a jacket) I’ll always offer to carry it for him.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should grab something out of your Master’s hands as soon as he takes hold of it! Always offer your services to your Master rather than assuming that he wants them. Sometimes he might prefer to carry it himself, or simply not want to load you down with too many things at once. Don’t be pushy!

4) Wear a ‘public’ collar

This one requires a bit more forethought, but has the advantage of being something you can do even if you’re not with your Master. As I said above, wearing a collar in public tends to attract unwanted attention (at the very least, people will think you’re some kind of hipster who’s trying way too hard to be ‘different’), but you can wear something else that stands in for a collar. Traditionally people have used a chain kept in place with a small padlock, but that’s also a bit conspicuous if not worn under your clothing (and could be a bit uncomfortable as well).

Really, you can use anything here – a necklace, a bracelet, even your wedding ring on a chain if your Master also happens to be your husband (or your Mistress your wife, as the case may be). Anything that holds significance for you will work. The main point is that it’s something you should be able to wear all the time. When you put it on in the morning, reflect on what it means to you as a submissive. You’ll know it’s ‘working’ if it helps you do that.

Master Tim’s Footnote.

As alpha has mentioned there are so many ways to discretely show your subservience and with a little ingenuity it is easy to find little ways to respect your Master. A couple which he did not mention but which he still does include waiting until I sit down before he sits or not getting into the car before I do. Also, what I call the Coffee Shop scenario is when we go for a coffee etc. it is his place to do the ordering/collecting even if I am paying. It is important to point out that in just the same way as he takes great pride in these little things, I never take them for granted. If for example we emerge from a crowd or get off a train etc. I am always aware of him moving as quickly as he can to take up his habitual position and that makes me very proud of him too.