Master Tim Coaching

Posts Tagged ‘debrief’

The Master’s Voice #34: Topping and Hugging

Aftercare following BDSM scenes.

10384729_751981768216021_6251731460965254894_nA great BDSM scene can create intense intense mental, physical and emotional feelings and reactions. We’ve previously looked at the notion of sub-space and how the submissive partner can become detached from reality during a scene. It’s not just the sub who is affected, though. When both the Dom and sub have committed fully to the scene, there will be consequences and these may exhibit as varying levels of physical and/or mental exhaustion. Some on the scene refer to this as the ‘drop’ or ‘sub-drop’. For this reason aftercare is essential in some form. It is my experience that heterosexual couples in general seem to understand this better than gay couples do and of course some of the latter will brush aside the need for aftercare  as a matter of masculine pride but there are real dangers in such behaviour.

Every partner has different needs and they may also vary from one scene to another but it is the responsibility of the Dom to elicit those needs and act on them. Depending on the novelty or intensity of a scene, the sub may end up either exhilarated or traumatised, or more likely somewhere in between. Aftercare also covers a whole range of options from understanding the desire of the sub to be left alone, to a ‘debriefing’ of the scene or mostly just some kind of physical care and comfort.

Some subs do like to be left alone to rest and recover or even to flee the scene. As a gay male Dom I’ve had a lot of experience with straight male subs and some of these find physical aftercare uncomfortable. It should never be forced and indeed as your relationship develops that situation often changes too. Other men have no such hangups and will abandon all conditioning and have no inhibitions about climbing into the arms of a man for a restorative hug. Whichever route the sub chooses it is essential to make sure that they are warm. Body temperature can drop away rapidly after intense play leaving the sub feeling chilly or even shivering after the scene ends.

Some subs simply prefer to be left alone to rest or even to sleep. No ladies it’s not just your husbands who fall asleep straight after sex!

I will use the example of one particular straight bondage sub here. This guy is happy to indulge in very intense rope bondage scenes and his arousal is absolute. As soon as the session ends he will happily lean against me for a few moments vocalising his gratitude. As soon as he starts to stabilise however, his awareness of being naked and vulnerable with another man kicks in and he needs to dress quickly and leave.

For those who do accept aftercare, that can take many forms.10176069_228134444046529_1792754402441162258_n For most people, simple physical contact is  all that’s needed. Hugging, hand holding, stroking, kissing, hair stroking, cuddling, spooning and caressing all have great restorative power. Soothing words may or may not be added. Gentle praise or expressions of gratitude are often enough but if there is a strong emotional bond between both parties, then quiet affirmations of love and affection work well too.

Do not be at all surprised if gentle, considerate and intimate aftercare leads into some kind of vanilla sex. In my experience it is not unusual and even if one or other partner is too exhausted to complete, enjoy it for what it is, a powerful expression of your close bond with each other.

It is another common mistake to think that it is only the sub who needs any aftercare. As the person who has planned and executed the scene, the Dom may be be less mentally drained, though not always. The Dom however may be the one who has expended the most physical energy and may be exhausted at the end of an intense scene. Many are surprised to learn that empathetic Doms can often be hit with ‘Dom drop’ after a session and it may occur hours after or even the next day. This may even manifest itself as a form of guilt for what you did to your sub, even if it was fully consensual. Again, this may be overcome with a simple check in with the sub to reassure yourself that they are still talking to you. Their expression of desire for the next session will go a long way towards reassuring you.

Many Doms advocate a ‘debrief’ as part of the aftercare. I personally am not a fan of this unless the stunned sub has any questions of the “How did you do that?” variety. I find that for most people, discussing the mechanics of the scene in the immediate aftermath is a bit of a passion killer. For me it is similar to the old “How as it for you?” question. I’ve always thought that if you need to ask the question, then you’ve not been paying attention during the scene.

The debrief can take place later, even days later and this brings me to continuing aftercare. Even that sub that flees the scene at the end should not be ignored and I for one always like them to at least send a text to let me know that they’ve got home safely. Follow up can then continue for indefinite periods using your usual methods of communication. One important responsibility for the Dom is to make sure that you never allow a sub to drive themselves home unless they are completely recovered and capable of driving safely. I like to make sure that subs always know how to contact me and that they should contact me whenever they need to.

I have said this many times but every person is different and everyone has different needs. There is no fixed set of rules only guidelines to be adapted to each situation.

Once the hugs and kind words have been delivered I find that most subs respond well to the offer of a hot shower and then that most English of all restoratives, a cup of tea and a biscuit.