Master Tim Coaching

Posts Tagged ‘Fantasists’

The Master’s Voice #32: Time wasters and Fantasists

923156_190361927783660_1153390768_nI am in the very fortunate position of not actively looking for new subs but I am regularly contacted by guys online and I will happily engage with them and help or advise when I can. Experience has taught me when someone is worth devoting some time to or not because there are a great many time wasters out there. From a Dom’s point of view time wasters are all too many and I believe, are on the increase.

I am old enough to remember a time before the internet and certainly, pre contact-sites. Contacts then were face-to- face and so there was less opportunity to waste anyone’s time. Online contact now provides way too many opportunities to hide behind a profile and mislead people in all kinds of ways.

In my experience most time wasters fall into one of three types. The first are the people who I think of as fantasists. This can appear as an umbrella group and the fantasies can lend weight to those in the other two groups or they can stand alone. Those other two groups are either the malicious or the non malicious time wasters.


These can either be Dom or sub. The internet actually fuels fantasy and some people are drawn into what I would call fantasy interactions with people with who they will never meet for real. I have previously discussed some of the outcomes where young/newbie subs create an online profile and ten minutes later they are ‘owned’ by  a Dom they have never met and probably never will meet. This new Dom may live on the other side of the country or even the other side of the world. Hardly a realistic foundation for learning relationship.

To give one example of the fantasy nature of this type of scenario, I was contacted online recently by a Dom based in San Antonio, Texas. I’d had no previous contact with this guy but he knew me by reputation (flattered). He’d recently ‘met’ a sexy sub on a contact site and taken ownership of him. He proposed (not asked!) that I should train the guy for him simply because we lived in the same country. In fact the sub lived in the north east of England, some hundreds of miles away from me. I was then expected to report back to the Texan Dom about the progress of the sub. I soon established that said Dom had never travelled outside his own state and certainly knew nothing of the size or geography of the UK. Further to this he had not read my profile and was surprised when I refused his suggestion. I should point out that this was not an isolated example of this kind of thing.

For many fantasists, contact sites provide them with a kind of personalised porn. They can and do create their own personal stimulation through the contacts they make and develop. Where both parties are there for the same reasons no harm is done. Newbies, however can be very naive about all this and are easily drawn into online interactions which are destined to go nowhere.

Whether fantasist or realist we now need to look at the differences between the malicious and non-malicious time wasters.


Those I label as non-malicious are those who are often new at the whole thing. Fumbling through the scene and nervous about their interactions, they may give the appearance of leading you on. They may even be drawn into making commitments to meet which they simply do not yet have the confidence to see through. I see Doms in particular, becoming very irate with novice subs who will either procrastinate or simply fail to turn up. Perhaps it is the Dom who needs to recall their own early days or at least to learn from their own experiences and manage their expectations.

In my experience, the application of a little tolerance and patience pays off in the long run. The added bonus is that a novice sub will be eternally grateful to the Dom who gives them space and stays with them patiently through the confidence building stage.


Then we come to the malicious time wasters. Unfortunately there are lots of them out there. Be wary, especially with online interactions and commitments.

I have known subs who have established strong online relationships. They will make promises of commitment to serve and tell you that you are the best Dom in the world. Just when you are convinced that you have a great potential sub on your hands, you discover that they’ve made the same commitment to half a dozen other guys too. Of course to add insult to injury, they actually have no intention of meeting anyone.

A couple of years ago I was contacted by a Dom to ask if I knew anything about a particular Canadian sub who had a popular online profile spotlighting pictures of his stunning body. I’d actually been approached by the sub before but had dismissed him as fantasy eye candy. The other Dom however had been taken in by they guy’s promises and bought a plane ticket to Toronto where the sub was to meet him and act as host for a week of BDSM induction. Of course the Dom was left standing at the airport with no sub, no accommodation and completely false contact details.

Yes, this is an extreme case but it was a real one. As for the Dom, it had been an expensive learning experience and as he said himself “there is no fool like an old fool”.

There is no one-size-fit-all answer to dealing with time wasters. It takes time, patience and experience to develop both a thick skin and a sixth sense. It would be all too easy to get so suspicious of everyone that you become paranoid and see nobody at all. Be careful not to close yourself off to great opportunities.

There is a lot to be said for common sense and gut feelings. Ask questions and verify facts. If you have any doubts at all then walk away. For every time waster out there you will find many many eager and genuine people to share fun times with.