Master Tim Coaching

Posts Tagged ‘master’

The Master’s Voice #17: The wider BDSM World

It’s time to look at BDSM in the context of the big wide world out there. This post is a two-parter and I asked my alpha slave to give us his thoughts for this first part and next time I will explore some of the other options out there for all you seekers of knowledge, skills and fun.

So far every post in this series has focused either on abstract concepts (the meaning of submission/slavery, what to look for in a dominant) or else accounts of my life as a slave with Master Tim. Today I want to widen the scope a bit by talking about the wider BDSM world, both offline and on the internet.

It’s entirely possible that you’ve begun to explore the world of submission without ever encountering some of the standard online meeting places. For the most part, they’re just dating profile sites geared specifically towards people looking for some kind of dominant-submissive relationship. Recon, probably the best-known site for this kind of thing, lets you set whether you’re more dominant or submissive (‘active’ or ‘passive’ in the site’s lingo) in your profile settings, something you’re unlikely to see on OKCupid.

Needless to say, the images people put on their profiles tend to be a bit different to what you see on ‘normal’ dating sites. Expect depictions of the full range of BDSM fetishes, some of them quite explicit, as well as a lot of partial nudity. This is very much a NSFW site we’re dealing with here!

Having said all that, I’d like to dispel the notion that the online BDSM world is wall-to-wall porn and, for lack of a better term, ‘perversion’. There’s a tendency for the media to treat kink-related gathering places as vortexes of weirdness into which innocent people might become accidentally drawn, never to return to the safe world of straight vanilla sex. In reality, a lot of interactions on Recon boil down to requests for meet-ups or fantasy-fueling discussion of specific fetishes. I’ve never actually been on a traditional dating site, but I imagine they’re not too different to Recon.

If Recon is the (gay) BDSM equivalent of a dating site, then SMGays is probably analogous to a club where most of the clientele are there to hook up with someone for the night. SMGays is a London based organisation which seeks to educate people about the world of BDSM. The organizers run themed ‘Discovery Nights’  focussing on different aspects of BDSM and cater primarily to people with little or no previous experience in a particular fetish or subculture. As a newbie-friendly environment, they tend to be very welcoming. You can show up to take part in a demonstration or just stand on the sidelines and watch, which I would probably advise doing if it’s your first time.

Having been to SMGays a few times now, I’d say the media’s depiction of a real-life BDSM gathering is actually too tame, probably because you can’t show explicit sex acts on TV. Here, in no particular order, is a list of things I saw or experienced during my first trip to a gay BDSM club:

  • People dressed in everything from full leather gear to almost nothing at all.
  • A sex sling (which was in use at the time).
  • A St. Andrew’s Cross (also in use – Google it at home if you don’t know what that is).
  • A guy in a vacuum bed (again, Google it at home if you don’t know what that is).
  • Doms leading collared submissives around with leashes, one of whom decided to feel me up from behind even though I was clearly there with Master Tim. I politely rebuffed him!
  • Spanking (heard rather than seen, but the sound is fairly hard to mistake).

And so on. If anything, many fiction writers actually don’t go far enough when they decide to depict BDSM gatherings with no real-life experience. If you can imagine it happening between consenting adults, chances are it’s going on somewhere in a city near you!

There is one thing I want to stress, though, which is that the people you’ll meet at an event like SMGays are, for the most part, perfectly ordinary. There isn’t a separate class of weird people who engage in kinky behavior 24/7; rather, there are normal people who just happen to be interested in unusual things. BDSM is a huge leveller of class and almost every other type of differential you might think of. For all you know, the bland office worker behind you in the line in Starbucks might have been enjoying all kinds of fetish activities the night before!

The Master’s Voice #16: Happy Valentine’s Day

Hurting the one you love.

Loving the one you hurt.

10928998_933646453321551_4622834056669050866_nOver the past few months I’ve talked about all kinds of BDSM relationships and how they work. Among the many questions I’ve been asked there have been more than a few along the lines of “how can you hurt the one you love?” Its true that I’ve not used the ‘L’ word very much, but there are reasons for that. First is that on some level , for me, it permeates all my encounters or relationships. Secondly I always knew that it was a subject worthy of its own blog.

To answer that question I will say yes, of course you can have a deeply romantic and loving relationship with a BDSM oriented partner. For a great, long-term BDSM relationship, many aspects of love have to be present, whether or not you are in a romantic relationship with that person. You may choose not to express these things as love but in a mature bonding you will accept them for what they are.

Some of the basic requirements for love are things like trust, honesty, responsibility, reliability, communication, empathy, desire, respect, satisfaction and a sense of humor. Try having a great sub dom relationship without anyone of these things and you will fail.

To help with understanding lets look at three types of BDSM relationships. First of all we have the casual encounters, whether they be one-off sessions, modelling at demonstrations or in club events. This will mostly be devoid of love or romance, but will still require trust and some mutual respect.

Secondly we have the regular, or even long-term BDSM partners with whom we are not romantically linked but which cannot be devoid of love on some level. Love without romance? yes of course. Just like the love of parents, siblings, children for best friends, you can love without being in love. When both parties can understand that and realise that it does not threaten their other romantic relationships then the link is a powerful one.

Thirdly we have the long-term, committed relationship where there is both a loving BDSM bond and the entirely romantic bond of a life-partner or partners.

Lets take a closer look at the long term or regular, non-romantic bond.10559658_262546807269767_1781677666578919213_n If a dom and their sub spend a lot of time together, whether over long sessions or through regular sessions, their relationship must grow. If this becomes stale or boring then the partnership will not last. If however creativity continues to grow over time and the responses become more comfortable between the players, then it is difficult to ignore some aspects of love. Remember we are talking about loving, but not being loved.

We may not be lovers in the traditional sense but a sub may learn to give themselves entirely to the dom in a way that they cannot with anyone else. It takes a deep empathy for the sub to let themselves go entirely with their dom. I have huge respect for any sub who attains that level of trust. I care very much for them and would do pretty much anything to help them, support them, or protect them if needed. For all intent, I love them even if I am not in love with them. I challenge any true dom to bring their sub to the point of wild ecstacy and not feel enormous pride in them for that. As a Dom I have had a great deal of experience with sub guys who are either Straight or Bisexual. Here it can be more difficult to express these feelings but they do not challenge sexuality in any way. The straight sub of a gay Master may feel uncomfortable with physical intimacy but he will feel pride in a job well done and even misery over mistakes made. Over time the relationship will become a strong bond of mutual trust and understanding even if sex or romance play no part in it.

I’ve also talked before about the importance of aftercare of a sub following a session with them. Nothing aids recovery like the affectionate contact with the dom who has just drained them physically and mentally.

True, life-long BDSM/Romantic partnerships are unusual but not impossible. I have known couples who started out as BDSM playmates before falling in love with each other. At first the play is intense because there is a true connection and it can be uninhibited. After a while, the romantic relationship becomes stronger and one or both partners looses interest in the sexual activities. For those who can see their way beyond the short term, a hiatus is followed by renewed vigor and once again the pair will return to intense BDSM activities.

As a dom, don’t be surprised at the strength of feeling you may have for your sub. As a sub, a loving master will get so much more from you so don’t resist, just be true to yourself and honest with him or her.

If you are unsure of the link between the subject matter and said Valentine then I urge you to read about the life and death of the sainted man himself. There is more than enough hurt and violence in that story I can assure you.

The Master’s Voice #14: To Share or Not to share

Last week I wrote about multiple members in d/s or BDSM relationships. For today’s blog I’ve asked my Alpha slave to give us his point of  view on the subject. This is one of the most common inaccuracies that I see in fictional representations of our relationships so it is appropriate that since we are both authors, he uses this same topic as a starting-off point for today’s post. I’ve added a note at the end about the role of the alpha slave but first let’s read what he has to say:

Think about a story you’ve encountered about two men in a Dom/sub or Master/slave relationship. If you read M/M romance or erotica with BDSM elements, that will be particularly relevant. (I’m talking about men here because my only experience is with the gay side of things. M/F and F/F relationships might work the same way as what I’m about to describe, but I don’t have first-hand experience of it!)

Most likely, the story will build towards the two main characters establishing a monogamous relationship – either a Master/slave setup, or else an ordinary relationship with BDSM practice included. Obviously, when you’re writing about a couple who find their ‘happily ever after’, it makes sense to have them be completely committed only to each other at the end. That is, after all, the romantic ideal for most people.

In reality, however, I think most people involved in the M/M BDSM worlds are in at least partially open relationships. Some guys have a boyfriend or partner as their ‘main’ relationship, but see a Dom on the side. Others see multiple Doms, without any of them also being their partner. The variations are probably infinite, but in my experience it’s relatively unusual for someone to have a single, monogamous boyfriend who is also their only Dom.

But what about Master/slave relationships? If they’re ‘full-time’, shouldn’t they also be monogamous?

This is where things get tricky, because I’m sure people have very different ideas of how a committed Master/slave relationship ‘should’ work. I can only talk about my own experiences and opinions, so I’ll limit this post to those.

Personally, I’ve always felt that a slave should be exclusive to his Master, but that a Master need not limit himself to one slave. If this seems like a double standard to you…well, it is, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing! For me it goes back to a slave’s role, which is to serve and please his Master. Isn’t it more desirable for a Master to know that a slave is committed entirely to him, without having his attentions divided among multiple people?

In reality, of course, whether this is going to work for you will depend largely on your personality. If you can’t imagine yourself ‘sharing’ a partner with someone regardless of the circumstances, then no amount of high-minded philosophising about BDSM power dynamics is going to make it easy for you to know that your Master is seeing slaves other than you. For me it’s never been an issue at all, but that doesn’t mean everyone will feel the same way.

As with any other kind of relationship, it probably helps if both people are open with each other. Even if you’re okay with the thought of sharing your Master with other people in theory, being kept in the dark about what he’s doing with other people still might not be much fun. That’s the kind of thing you’ll want to discuss in detail at the beginning of the relationship, before either of you commits to anything long-term.

It’s also possible that you might end up sharing a Master with more than just subs, and this is where the fictional scenario I described in the first few paragraphs breaks down a bit further. How often do you see couples in books where the Master has a husband or partner in addition to a slave (or slaves)? It’s actually quite common in real life, but maybe it doesn’t fit with a fictional narrative too well!

Whether you can make a situation like that work is largely going to come down to the three (or more) people involved, which is why I think it’s so important not to rush into anything when it comes to BDSM relationships. I’m sure you have a mental image of the ideal Master/slave relationship – open or monogamous, two people or three (or four, or five…), or some other configuration that I haven’t even thought of. If you look hard enough, you’re bound to find someone else who is looking for the something similar enough that you can make it work.

And if you are writing BDSM fiction, leave yourself open to the huge variety of relationships that exist in the BDSM world. There’s a lot more out there than just plain monogamy!

Master Tim – In a relationship where the dominant has more than one slave, or submissive, the person accorded the greatest power or respect among all the slaves may be referred to as the alpha. The alpha slave has seniority over the others and may help the Dom, or Master to train, organise and even, with permission, to use them for the benefit or entertainment of his Master. The alpha may not be the oldest or the longest serving of the Master’s subs but he will be chosen on merit to fulfil the role. In my case, my alpha has served me fully and faithfully for over 10 years and come to be a significant member of my family.

The Master’ Voice #11: A Day in the Life of a Slave.

Today’s post is told mostly by my alpha slave whom some of you have met. A few months ago we marked ten years together which is something I am so proud of him for. That is not just for ten years of serving my exclusively, but for the amazing young man he has become and continues to grow as. Over to him:

This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, the kind of resource I wish I’d had back when I first started looking into the world of submission. I’m going to attempt to describe a day in the life of a slave – specifically, a day in my life with Master Tim.

I’ve cautioned readers before that a lot of what I write here is based on my own personal experience and shouldn’t be taken as universal truth. I’m sure there’ll be people reading this who don’t recognize themselves in what I’ve written here, or whose concept of submission is radically different to mine. If that’s the case, please do leave your thoughts in the comments section. It would be great to hear from people with different experiences!

With the disclaimer out of the way, let’s get started! What follows is a brief overview of what an average day as Master Tim’s slave is like for me.

First of all, I should point out that I don’t live with Master Tim, but in the space of a year we do spend a lot of time together. When I’m not with him we communicate with each other daily (actually several times daily!), but this is going to be an account of a day when I am staying with him.

On a normal day, he’ll usually come and wake me up sometime around eight or nine o’ clock. The first order of business for me is to make coffee or tea for both of us and then prepare breakfast. This is something I’d do for myself anyway, but I enjoy doing it for him. When breakfast is over I usually tidy up the kitchen and empty the dishwasher so that he doesn’t have to worry about it.

If that all sounds tediously vanilla, let me introduce something a bit more ‘BDSM-ish’. When I’m at home with Master Tim I wear a leather collar most of the time. (And when I say ‘most of the time’, it includes when I’m doing such exciting things as having dinner or watching TV. If this seems strange to you, you’re probably looking for a different submission experience to me!) However, it tends to irritate the skin around my neck, so I ask him to put it on me after I’ve had a shower.

This is one of those things where real life and fantasy don’t necessarily coincide. Ideally I’d like to wear it all the time, but occasionally that’s not practical. Of course, it would cause some problems if I was to wear it around outside, so I don’t do that. I bring this up only to highlight the fact that the mundane facts of life do sometimes intrude on our idealized versions of reality. In this regard, being a submissive is no different being any other kind of person. Sometimes you have to make compromises! To mark our recent anniversary Master Tim locked a stylish black necklace on me. Only he has the code and I have happily worn it ever since, as a constant reminder of him.

After breakfast, I’ll usually accompany Master Tim on whatever else he’s doing throughout the day. I’ve always tried to be a useful companion to him, which for me means enhancing his everyday life rather than expecting him to cater exclusively to me when I’m with him. I look for ways to assist him with things, even if it’s something as simple as tying his shoelaces, or carrying the shopping from Tesco.

When we’re out and about together I like to maintain my role in subtle but important ways. For example, where practical I always walk on his left hand side just a short pace behind him. I also open doors for him and carry any bags or shopping that we take with us or gather while we’re out.

Again, this might all sound painfully boring to you, but to me it gets right to the heart of being the particular kind of submissive known as a ‘slave’. I can think of no greater expression of submission than striving to be someone who enhances my Master’s life whenever I can.

That includes anything related to sex, which I haven’t mentioned yet. I believe that I should make any kind of sexual activity as pleasureable as possible for Master Tim – which isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy it as well. I do, a lot! But I think that a part of choosing to submit as a slave is to always have your Master’s pleasure in mind – regardless of the circumstances.

By now you hopefully see why I’ve been harping on about keeping compatibility in mind when you’re seeking out a Dominant/submissive relationship. If you’re looking to be a full-time slave, there’ll be a lot of times when you’re not doing typically ‘BDSM’ things. You’re unlikely to find what you’re looking for if you don’t meet someone who you enjoy being around. Thankfully, I’ve been very lucky in that regard!

-Alpha Slave

The Master’s Voice 07: The First Meeting.

We’ve looked at why you should negotiate with any prospective Dom about your limits, and why it’s important to lay a lot of groundwork before you decide to meet with someone. I wish I could say that everything after that point is nice and straightforward, but of course, it isn’t. (You may be starting to detect a theme here.)

You’ve no doubt read a lot of the standard advice when it comes to meeting someone from the internet for the first time, but I’ll repeat it here anyway just in case. These guidelines are designed to keep you safe, so think long and hard before you choose to ignore any of them!

1) Meet in Public. This one is a no-brainer. Be very cautious if someone insists on meeting you in their home or in a secluded spot – there is no conceivable reason why someone should demand that you meet them for the first time in a park at night, just to use one obvious (if unlikely) scenario. If someone wants to meet in a strange place, ask yourself why that might be.

2) Be specific about why you’re meetingGenerally speaking, your first interaction with a Dom will involve more talking than playing. As with the previous point, remember that they should be trying to protect themselves as well by making sure you’re the kind of person they want in their home (or wherever else it is you’ll eventually end up). An over-eagerness to get you into a private place so they can tie you up as quickly as possible might be a sign that they’re not going to respect your wishes once they have you in a vulnerable position.

3) Have a way out. Ideally, you’ll want to tell someone where you’re going when you meet for the first time and make sure that they’re expecting to hear from you at a specific time. If that’s not possible, then at the very least make sure that you can contact someone if need be during your first meeting. This goes hand-in-hand with meeting in public.

Apart from just safety, though, there are some other things to keep in mind when arranging an initial meeting. I’ve been harping on about the fact that when you meet a Dom or a Master, you’re also meeting a person, and it applies here as well. If you meet in a coffee shop (which is an excellent place to do it, by the way), what will you talk about? Do you have any questions you’d like to ask? Have you thought about what questions they might ask you?

If you’re only planning on meeting for occasional rounds of BDSM play, then all of this might seem like something you don’t have to worry about – after all, it’s not as if you’re on a first date. But if the person you’re meeting has any aspirations towards being your permanent Master – if you consider yourself a slave, in other words – then this first meeting will be almost exactly like a first date.

By this point you’ll have be finished with the negotiations and limits-setting stages (I hope), but remember, it’s not too late for either party to realize particular meeting isn’t entirely what they’re looking for. This could be something as general as a personality mismatch, which definitely does matter in the BDSM world, or something as specific as a previously-unmentioned fetish which is a must-have for one person but a complete dealbreaker for the other. As always, the important thing to keep in mind is that you can leave at any time if you feel uncomfortable. It’s not as if you’ve committed to anything. (And actually, even if you have committed to something, you can still leave.)

But I don’t want to dwell on the negative too much. Your first meeting with a Dom or Master should be a wonderful experience even if you do nothing but get to know each other face-to-face after previously chatting online. Whether it’s the beginning of something more long-term or just a once off meeting, for many subs or slaves it will be the culmination of years of fantasizing and dreaming. Stay safe, lay the groundwork and try to ignore the butterflies in your stomach!

The Master’s Voice 06 – Fantasy Vs. Reality (or, Why Porn is not Research).

Whether I’m addressing friends from the BDSM world or my many author friends there is one acclamation that you hear me use a lot: Porn is not Research. If you wish to live the lifestyle or dabble in it, this is very important. Maybe you are wanting to write accurately and descriptively about it. Either way the fantasy world of porn can give a wholly false impression. In truth BDSM without the checks and balances, without the careful negotiation and preparation could be a very dangerous thing. In this blog I intend to look at the differences and relate them to real experience.

My Alpha Slave often talks about how the months (or years!) leading up to his first real-life BDSM experience involved a lot of research. Like so many he sought out blogs written by experienced Doms and subs. Perhaps like him you’ve sought out some of the many books written on the subject.

Or, and I’m guessing this is as likely if not more so than the previous options, you looked at porn.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with that! BDSM porn is abundant on the internet and elsewhere, and it’s certainly a valuable tool in determining what exactly you’re interested in. (Of course, it has other, non-educational benefits as well.)

The problem is that, as always, porn depicts a very skewed version of reality. Just as vanilla porn shows a heavily idealised (or non-idealised, depending on your perspective) view of sex, BDSM porn shows a version of the Dom/sub relationship that is unlikely to exist in reality.

Rather than going through all the ways porn movies ‘get it wrong’, I’d like you to ask yourself a simple question: what does porn not show?

The answer, obviously, is ‘real life’. Most BDSM porn doesn’t show a sub arriving at a Dom’s house (or hotel room or club or what have you) for the first time. It doesn’t show the actors negotiating over limits and boundaries. It certainly doesn’t carry on after the money shot is over to reveal how the Dom and sub get along outside of the playroom/dungeon.

These are all things that are going to happen in the real world, but porn movies aren’t going to give you any pointers on how to handle them. Going solely by what you see in pornography, you might think that BDSM relationships are things that happening spontaneously to a pair of automata who exist in their own pocket universe.

The one exception to the rule might be erotic fiction, which often at least pays lip service to depicting the full breadth of a Dominant/submissive relationship, but here we get into the issue of accuracy. Most authors of erotic fiction do not have real-life experience in the world of BDSM, and are likely to base their descriptions of it on second or third-hand information. (Or, worse, they might base it on those porn movies we just spent several paragraphs discussing.)  By all means, read fictionalized accounts of BDSM relationships as a way to fire your imagination, but don’t expect what you read to be perfectly in line with reality.

Ultimately, any media created primarily for titillation is a fantasy, and nobody expects or even wants their fantasies to match the everyday experience of their real life.

To quote my Alpa Slave again “In my case I was lucky, because in Master Tim I found someone who was able to take what I’d been fantasizing about for so many years and turn it into a reality, but even still there were things I couldn’t have predicted before I met him – mostly because, well, I hadn’t met him yet! My idealised ‘fantasy’ master was nameless, faceless and mostly devoid of any personality. He was an idea, not a human being, and anything I imagined happening with that idea couldn’t possibly happen exactly that way with a real person. The reality is so much better than what I envisioned, but it doesn’t change the fact that that disconnect exists and is something you should keep in mind when you’re planning your future life as a submissive or slave.”

Porn has been around for time immemorial, but there is now a new kid on the block when it come to BDSM fantasy. The internet has changed the way we find each other and interact with each other in ways we could never have expected. My reason for inserting this topic is the explosion of social media and of dating sites. We are all well aware of how transparently truthful people are on such sites and how we should believe online biographies implicitly. Yeah right! If the number of fit guys with 10″ dicks is true, then anatomists need to reassess their idea of what is average. Also when it comes to listing ages, the internet seems to indicate that number blindness is far more common than we thought!

For those seeking to find BDSM partners and experiences, there is a more insidious issue here. People spend a huge amount of time gathering their ‘experience’ online before they build up the courage to try the real thing. It is therefore more than likely that their expectations will be much closer to fantasy than reality. I find more and more that BDSM novices are only novices of the real thing and that faced with the reality they are at best confused and at worst, quite disappointed.

As a novice practitioner you should also be prepared to enjoy things you never thought you’d enjoy and to dislike things you were expecting to like. This is probably more relevant for people who want to seek out a Dom/sub relationship heavily based around shared fetishes, but it’s worth noting for everyone: just because you enjoy thinking about something doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll enjoy doing it for real. It is a great shame when it happens, but it is easy to imagine someone being confused or disappointed when they discover that the thing they’ve been craving for so long turns out to not be exactly what they wanted after all.

Ultimately, there’s no amount of research – porn-based or otherwise – that can prepare you for meeting a Dom or Master for the first time. Trust your instincts, keep an open mind and wait for the right person. There’s no better way to make sure that your fantasies become a reality.

The Master’s Voice 04 – Applying to Serve Pt 2.

In part one I described the elements that I look for in a potential submissive. Now perhaps it’s time to consider some of the practicalities for both the Dom and the sub. What are some of the deal breakers and deal makers for me in deciding whether or not to take somebody on?

There are so many variables in this process that it would be impossible to give a definitive, one-size-fits-all guide to the first encounter. There are, however, a list of factors which can be checked early on in order to save time and misunderstanding.

1. Know what you are looking for, whether it is fun, experience, learning, a regular kink partner or a life-long lover. This is the point where fantasy and reality first need to part company. Most players, whether Dom or sub, are not looking for a life partner. In my own case I make it clear from the start that I already have a life partner and he comes first always. Experience tells me that many subs are reassured by this. I am lucky that I can be completely open and transparent with my partner and that he fully supports what I do. This will not be the case for everyone and you may need to compromise on some principles in order to make things work for you. I never sit in judgement of others and nor do I believe should any of us.

To give one example from my own circle, I have a regular sub who I have been seeing for  almost 20 years now. He is happily married and has a really great relationship with his wife. Once a month or so he visits me to give his kinky sub side a good airing. His wife has no idea about this but he firmly believes that without such a relief valve in place, his needs and desires would probably have destroyed his marriage years ago. I know that a few of my readers will now hate me for that, but it is not my place to judge another for his life choices.

For most BDSM practitioners, the ideal relationship lies somewhere between casual playmates and life partners. Maybe the “friends with benefits” description fits better?

2. First contact these days tends to be online and therefore site profiles are all important. As mentioned elsewhere however, never assume that the person described in the profile is the person you will meet. Internet ‘ages’ and waist sizes ( plus other measurements) are moveable feasts!

Good BDSM relationships depend on honesty and trust. For me this starts with the profile. If you truly intend to meet somebody, they will find you out at first meeting so why set yourself up to be a disappointment to them? Of course it is also a fact that the majority of the kinksters online get all their kicks online and never actually follow through with a real meeting. Always remember the formula SW + SW + SW = N. Some will, some won’t, so what. Next!

There are dangers lurking in the falsehoods too. I’ve had 18yr olds eager for their first experiences who, when they finally send pics, are clearly under age. Don’t be scared to ask for proof and if they won’t provide it in advance then move along swiftly.

3. For me there is another deal-breaker and that is the issue of unsafe sex. Way too many young people these days get to the safe-sex box in the form and the think it’s cool to put ‘Needs discussion’. No it does not. There is no discussion to be had. There is no reason and no excuse for unsafe sex ever. Okay so now I’ve lost a few more readers but Hey Ho!

4. Diversity is all. No two subs are the same. No two doms are the same. No two relationships are the same.

There is somebody out there for everyone whatever their age, shape, size, colour, gender or kink. Your BDSM playmate may bear no resemblance to anyone that you would seek to have as a lover. That’s not what it’s about. If you are looking for experiences, skills, stability or security  then age and looks may have a lesser part to play in your choices but thats not to say that a sexy dom or sub won’t make it all that much easier.

Time to draw some conclusions then. What do I look for in the ideal sub?

Attitude: Open mindedness and willingness to learn.

Submissiveness: Not mindless but intelligent and masculine (my chosen gender, yours may differ)

Limits: Hard or soft but mutually agreed and respected.

Regularity: Not to be confused with frequency but rather just an interest in coming back for more.

Honesty: Age, size, experience (or lack of), Relationship status.

Safe Sex: No discussion needed.

Diversity: variety really is the spice of life.

Personality: A sense of humour is essential.

Whether you are a Dom, a sub, or one of my fellow writers looking to create new realistic characters, I hope these words have helped. Just remember it is only a guide so use those bits that fit your own situation. Have fun and play safe.

The Masters Voice 03 – Applying to Serve

Having established what kind of relationship you are seeking in the world of BDSM, let’s take a look at how you go about finding the right Dom or Master.

Starting at the beginning let’s consider how I respond to those guys who apply to serve me as subs or slaves. The early interactions are so important to the process and should not be rushed. Having said that, in my experience, most subs have spent a long time dreaming, fantasising, reading and often viewing porn as they rehearse in their minds just what is going to happen once they finally take the plunge and meet a Master. This leads to an eagerness to get started and can result in risk-taking and frustration.

Young guys can be reckless in their enthusiasm. I am often approached by newbies seeking their first experiences. We chat a little, and agree to continue the next day. Then I get an excited message telling me that he is now ‘owned’ and his new ‘Master’ has now taken control of his online profile and of his life.

“Great,” I say. “When did you meet him?”

“Oh, we’ve not met yet,” comes the reply. “He lives 500 miles away.” (Or in another country, another continent, etc.)

So this poor lad has created an account on one of the gay dating sites and in less than 24 hours some guy he has never met tells him that he is now his owned slave and must no longer chat to anyone else. He will receive ‘commands’ to take any number of photos to send to the new master, or to engage in Skype sessions where the slave will perform on camera.

Would it surprise you to learn that they will never meet? Or that the master has no real-life experience? It happens!

My advice to freshman subs is to chat to lots of guys. Do not commit to anyone. Ask questions, learn, and filter your communications. Never agree to a first meeting in a stranger’s home. I have written elsewhere about precaution. Remember that online profiles may not be entirely accurate. (Shocking, I know.)

Domination is not based on arrogance. No man is a Master or a Dom just because he says that he is. I believe that the title of ‘Master’ or ‘Sir’ must be earned, not assumed or commanded.

Early negotiations are extremely important, and are not unlike the ‘courtship’ period in a non-BDSM relationship. This is not a time for giving orders and obeying, but rather for asking questions, stating objectives and above all listening to responses. If either party is not being listened to, then it is time to move on. Don’t be put off, just learn from the experience.

After all, if you were going to hand your car over to a mechanic for repairs, you would probably go to somebody who was recommended to you. Why in the world would you consider handing over your own body to a complete stranger without first asking for testimonials from other subs who have met him? If he refuses to let you do this, then you have all the information you need. Move on.

If I have not already scared you off, come back for the next part, where we’ll start to look at all the fun you’re going to have once you meet someone you’re compatible with! So now you want me to tell you about all the ‘good stuff’ straight away? I have intentionally kept this part short because the information in it is really important and I want you to take it seriously before getting distracted by the fun stuff.

The Master’s Voice 02 – Sub vs. Slave (From a Slave’s Perspective)

Welcome to the second part of the Master’s Voice series!

Over the coming weeks I’m going to continue to explore the motivations and behaviours of some real submissives in BDSM settings. In particular I have recruited my Alpha slave of over ten years to contribute regularly to the ‘sub’ part of this story. This usually begins with what the sub or slave is looking for. (Yes, there is a difference between a sub and a slave, and I have previously looked at what defines the two.)

Once the sub/slave has found his (or her) Master or Dom, how do they know that they are right for each other? If they are then how do they negotiate the nature of their service?

Every sub or slave serves differently and so we will look at the levels of service and of the satisfaction of both parties in a BDSM relationship.

By way of ‘setting the bar’, what follows is an account from a true slave. For me he is a great example of a slave not driven by sex or fetish but by the desire to belong and to be ‘owned’ in the classic sense. This describes devoted servitude to a much admired owner. In this example that admiration and respect is very much a two way thing.

Master Tim’s first post in this series is about the difference between a sub and a slave. Reading that post brought back a lot of memories for me, because there was a time when thinking about that exact distinction occupied a fairly large amount of my time.

When I first started to explore the BDSM scene online, I was disappointed to find that a lot of people – or even most people – seemed to be looking for an experience fundamentally different to what I had been craving for as long as I could remember. I read descriptions of how Dom/sub interactions played out, browsed through a seemingly-endless list of ‘Your first time’ guides and looked at the profiles of dominant and submissive men on places like Recon.com, and felt a complete lack of connection to any of it.

The problem, I soon realised, was that I wanted a Master/slave relationship rather than a Dom/sub one. How did I even know what that would look like, you ask? Well, I didn’t. I just trusted that I’d recognise it when I saw it.

As you can imagine, this isn’t a very productive way to go about looking for something, but if I wasn’t sure what I did want, then at the very least I had a good idea of what I didn’t want.

I didn’t want anything where there was any level of ambiguity about who was in charge. The idea of switching places between the submissive and dominant role with the same person was alien to me then and still is now.

I also didn’t want to enter into a time-limited arrangement where I could be submissive to someone one minute and then abruptly stop being submissive the next. This, more than anything else, was what confused me during my initial forays into the BDSM community online; I had assumed that the concept of submission as a perpetual state of affairs outside of a pre-defined session was universal, when in fact it’s anything but.

Finally, I didn’t want a relationship with a dominant to be defined by a list of fetishes. In fact, I was somewhat dismayed to find that the common fetishes didn’t do a whole lot to excite me. When I pictured being a slave (and that was always the word I used, rather than ‘sub’) it didn’t involve bondage or CBT or any of the rest of it – at least not as a primary component. I could imagine myself enjoying those things, certainly, but only in the context of being ordered to engage in them for the pleasure of my Master. It was the thought of pleasing him that was most exciting to me, not the activity in itself.

The crucial moment for me came a few days after I was fortunate enough to meet Master Tim online. We messaged each other a few times, and after a while he asked me to describe some of what I’d like to do when we eventually met. I can’t remember exactly what I said to him, but I can tell you that it didn’t have much to do with the bedroom. I had decided that I wanted him to be my Master, and that meant giving myself over to him as a slave at all times – in the bedroom, outside of it, whether we were together or apart.

I wanted to be ready to carry out his wishes at all times, even if it was something as mundane as him telling me to tidy up the kitchen after breakfast. That might not sound particularly exciting to you, but keep in mind that it’s not supposed to be. I suppose I was getting at something closer to a ‘lifestyle’ (although I hate that word) than a fetish or kink. I was looking for fulfillment rather than excitement.

Happily, it turned out that Master Tim had very similar ideas about slavery to myself. Through him I’ve seen how a huge variety of Dom/sub and Master/slave relationships work, which has convinced me of two things. Firstly, you can never know exactly what you want until you see it in action. Secondly, there is room in the world for almost any kind of relationship you can imagine, so don’t let what the rest of us do limit your imagination. Whatever drives you, and whatever you find yourself craving, you can make it work with the right person. All you have to do is find them.

-Alpha slave

The Master’s Voice 01 – Sub or Slave: Is There a Difference?

THE MASTER’S VOICE – Part One.

Of all the many questions I get asked on a regular basis, the most frequently presented one is some variation of  ‘Am I a Sub or a Slave?’ Or ‘What’s the difference between a Sub and a Slave?’ It’s a subject about which everyone has an opinion, and the debate has been around for as long as there have been people to discuss it.

For most people, the terms are interchangeable and the boundaries are woolly. For some the definitions are more rigid, or at least very personal and individual. I would maintain that there are no wholly right or wrong answers, but that does not mean that we don’t need some clarity of thought or some acceptable descriptors. These at least give us a baseline from which to form opinions and arrive at acceptable definitions which work for each individual person or couple.

Submission is not a weakness

For me, the basic definitions start with the words themselves. Slave is a noun and so a slave is what you are. Submissive is an adjective and so it describes what you do.

In BDSM relationships, submissives make their own decisions and choices, holding on to their own rights and freedoms. Submissives also set their own limits. A sub may choose to be ‘owned’ but the terms of the ownership will be jointly negotiated and it will only last as long as they choose to allow it. Submissives characteristically seek out casual contacts or relationships, moving in and out of their role freely as they go about their lives.

A true slave is a very different person completely. While a submissive may choose how, when and to whom they submit, a true slave will submit completely at all times to their chosen owner, with little or no negotiation. Slaves usually seek ownership, preferring to give themselves wholly to another dominant person. The slave has no rights or freedoms and certainly no choices. Of course in reality this only works where great wisdom, common sense and profound trust exist.

I can hear a whole chorus of ‘buts’ as I write this and I respect them all. Every slave or sub is different and every situation is unique and individual. At the end of the day, our roles are defined by our relationships and seldom the other way around. The sub/Dom roles derive from the type of relationships we enter into, after safety and personal limits are agreed.

We must accept that any definition is merely another form of labelling imposed by the wider society. Labels are a way of compartmentalising things which we might otherwise struggle to understand. Once you are labelled, you are ‘understood’, but of course real life is seldom so easily pigeon-holed. Every couple needs to arrive at their own working definition for what they have.

It should be clearly understood that the definition is a work in progress and will change over time. Every aspect of a relationship needs to be placed on a grey-scale where the two extremes are ‘black’ and ‘white’ but all our life choices rest somewhere along the line between the two. Anyone who thinks that there are only ‘fifty shades of grey’ (pun intended) is in for a big surprise!

A submissive may choose to submit sexually, but outside the bedroom (or dungeon) they will may still behave as equals with their Master or Mistress. The sub may choose to be a domestic servant but still maintain equality in their relationship. The mutually agreed level of control may be quite extensive and in effect be the same as slavery but of course the sub retains the ability to walk away or simply to say ‘no’ at any time.

A real slave, in contrast, wishes every aspect of their life to be controlled by the Master or Mistress. The slave will often describe themselves as “incomplete” without ownership and they will seek out a powerful dominant to control them. Of course in reality they will seek out their owner and so will be making choices regarding who that person is. At the end of the day they can still choose to end the relationship at any time.

Another point to consider is that not all slaves are submissives!

There is no doubt that I shall be returning to this topic in the future. One area that I would like to look at is the link between BDSM and sexuality. As a gay man I have met a great many heterosexual men who submit to other men. This does not in my opinion, make them gay!

Consider the various definitions, but do not be limited by them. Find what works for you and go with it. BE a slave, or DO submission, but have fun!

In the next part I will be asking my much loved Alpha slave of the last ten years to share with us the ‘sub’ side of this story.

Master Tim is a practicing Dominant with over 40 years of experience and is an alter ego of published m/m author T.J. Masters

Page 1 of 212