Master Tim Coaching

Posts Tagged ‘The Submission Journals’

The Master’s Voice #32: Time wasters and Fantasists

923156_190361927783660_1153390768_nI am in the very fortunate position of not actively looking for new subs but I am regularly contacted by guys online and I will happily engage with them and help or advise when I can. Experience has taught me when someone is worth devoting some time to or not because there are a great many time wasters out there. From a Dom’s point of view time wasters are all too many and I believe, are on the increase.

I am old enough to remember a time before the internet and certainly, pre contact-sites. Contacts then were face-to- face and so there was less opportunity to waste anyone’s time. Online contact now provides way too many opportunities to hide behind a profile and mislead people in all kinds of ways.

In my experience most time wasters fall into one of three types. The first are the people who I think of as fantasists. This can appear as an umbrella group and the fantasies can lend weight to those in the other two groups or they can stand alone. Those other two groups are either the malicious or the non malicious time wasters.

Fantasists 

These can either be Dom or sub. The internet actually fuels fantasy and some people are drawn into what I would call fantasy interactions with people with who they will never meet for real. I have previously discussed some of the outcomes where young/newbie subs create an online profile and ten minutes later they are ‘owned’ by  a Dom they have never met and probably never will meet. This new Dom may live on the other side of the country or even the other side of the world. Hardly a realistic foundation for learning relationship.

To give one example of the fantasy nature of this type of scenario, I was contacted online recently by a Dom based in San Antonio, Texas. I’d had no previous contact with this guy but he knew me by reputation (flattered). He’d recently ‘met’ a sexy sub on a contact site and taken ownership of him. He proposed (not asked!) that I should train the guy for him simply because we lived in the same country. In fact the sub lived in the north east of England, some hundreds of miles away from me. I was then expected to report back to the Texan Dom about the progress of the sub. I soon established that said Dom had never travelled outside his own state and certainly knew nothing of the size or geography of the UK. Further to this he had not read my profile and was surprised when I refused his suggestion. I should point out that this was not an isolated example of this kind of thing.

For many fantasists, contact sites provide them with a kind of personalised porn. They can and do create their own personal stimulation through the contacts they make and develop. Where both parties are there for the same reasons no harm is done. Newbies, however can be very naive about all this and are easily drawn into online interactions which are destined to go nowhere.

Whether fantasist or realist we now need to look at the differences between the malicious and non-malicious time wasters.

Non-malicious

Those I label as non-malicious are those who are often new at the whole thing. Fumbling through the scene and nervous about their interactions, they may give the appearance of leading you on. They may even be drawn into making commitments to meet which they simply do not yet have the confidence to see through. I see Doms in particular, becoming very irate with novice subs who will either procrastinate or simply fail to turn up. Perhaps it is the Dom who needs to recall their own early days or at least to learn from their own experiences and manage their expectations.

In my experience, the application of a little tolerance and patience pays off in the long run. The added bonus is that a novice sub will be eternally grateful to the Dom who gives them space and stays with them patiently through the confidence building stage.

Malicious

Then we come to the malicious time wasters. Unfortunately there are lots of them out there. Be wary, especially with online interactions and commitments.

I have known subs who have established strong online relationships. They will make promises of commitment to serve and tell you that you are the best Dom in the world. Just when you are convinced that you have a great potential sub on your hands, you discover that they’ve made the same commitment to half a dozen other guys too. Of course to add insult to injury, they actually have no intention of meeting anyone.

A couple of years ago I was contacted by a Dom to ask if I knew anything about a particular Canadian sub who had a popular online profile spotlighting pictures of his stunning body. I’d actually been approached by the sub before but had dismissed him as fantasy eye candy. The other Dom however had been taken in by they guy’s promises and bought a plane ticket to Toronto where the sub was to meet him and act as host for a week of BDSM induction. Of course the Dom was left standing at the airport with no sub, no accommodation and completely false contact details.

Yes, this is an extreme case but it was a real one. As for the Dom, it had been an expensive learning experience and as he said himself “there is no fool like an old fool”.

There is no one-size-fit-all answer to dealing with time wasters. It takes time, patience and experience to develop both a thick skin and a sixth sense. It would be all too easy to get so suspicious of everyone that you become paranoid and see nobody at all. Be careful not to close yourself off to great opportunities.

There is a lot to be said for common sense and gut feelings. Ask questions and verify facts. If you have any doubts at all then walk away. For every time waster out there you will find many many eager and genuine people to share fun times with.

The Master’s Voice #23: Anticipating Your Master’s Needs.

For this post I am still looking at some of the background to what makes a good slave. I have asked my alpha slave to give his point of view on something which we both think important. This is however an area of the Dom/sub dynamic which many practitioners fail to develop and which many BDSM authors ignore. Let’s see what he has to say:

I think it’s easy to mistake the Master/slave relationship as one rooted in an action/reaction framework – the Master gives an order, the slave responds. Isn’t that what comes to most people’s minds when they consider, fundamentally, what any kind of Dom or sub do that differentiates them from an ordinary couple?

To a certain extent, that is accurate. In a Master/slave relationship, the balance of power rests with the Master, and the easiest way for him to exercise that power is to give orders to the slave. But there comes a point where, ideally, the Master shouldn’t have to give explicit orders to his slave. In fact, the slave should consider it his duty to anticipate what the order would be if given, and react accordingly.

To give a simple example from my own experience, I’ve learned to tell when Master Tim would like me to make him coffee and serve it to him. I would say that I’m right about 90% of the time, to the extent that I could just go and make it without asking him if he’d like it, although I still ask before I do it just to be sure (more on that in a minute).

Considering it from his point of view, isn’t it better to have a slave who can tell intuitively when he wants something like this done for him, rather than having to specifically ask for it each time? It’s both more convenient for him, and is also evidence of a certain level of devotion; it takes time and dedicated effort to get to that stage of accurately predicting what he’ll need before he asks for it.

Of course, it’s also possible to become presumptuous, which is something a slave should never be. That’s why, in the example above, I said that I always ask before making coffee. What if he wants something else instead? Or, as happens occasionally, what if I misjudged what he might want at a particular moment in time? I would consider it a personal failing on my part if I presented him with a fresh mug of coffee, only to be told that he would prefer tea!

I have said in a previous post, that a slave should strive to improve his Master’s life in any way possible. Anticipating your Master’s needs and reacting to them pre-emptively is a great way to do that, and might be another major differentiator between a Dom/sub and Master/slave relationship, but it’s something that takes a lot of time and effort to get right. This is, once again, why it’s so important that a Master and slave are compatible on a personal level before they attempt to jump into an involved relationship. If you find yourself constantly unable to predict what someone wants or needs because you can’t work out how they think, then it’s going to be very difficult for you to be a good slave for them.

I often see fictitious depictions of Master/slave relationships in which the slave gets a thrill out of following his Master’s orders. That’s true to life as well, obviously, but don’t neglect the quiet satisfaction that comes with effectively obeying an unspoken order as well. It might not be quite as exciting to depict as a heavy-handed Master ordering his slave to kneel at his feet, but it will add an extra dimension to the relationship which writers often overlook.

The Master’s Voice #14: To Share or Not to share

Last week I wrote about multiple members in d/s or BDSM relationships. For today’s blog I’ve asked my Alpha slave to give us his point of  view on the subject. This is one of the most common inaccuracies that I see in fictional representations of our relationships so it is appropriate that since we are both authors, he uses this same topic as a starting-off point for today’s post. I’ve added a note at the end about the role of the alpha slave but first let’s read what he has to say:

Think about a story you’ve encountered about two men in a Dom/sub or Master/slave relationship. If you read M/M romance or erotica with BDSM elements, that will be particularly relevant. (I’m talking about men here because my only experience is with the gay side of things. M/F and F/F relationships might work the same way as what I’m about to describe, but I don’t have first-hand experience of it!)

Most likely, the story will build towards the two main characters establishing a monogamous relationship – either a Master/slave setup, or else an ordinary relationship with BDSM practice included. Obviously, when you’re writing about a couple who find their ‘happily ever after’, it makes sense to have them be completely committed only to each other at the end. That is, after all, the romantic ideal for most people.

In reality, however, I think most people involved in the M/M BDSM worlds are in at least partially open relationships. Some guys have a boyfriend or partner as their ‘main’ relationship, but see a Dom on the side. Others see multiple Doms, without any of them also being their partner. The variations are probably infinite, but in my experience it’s relatively unusual for someone to have a single, monogamous boyfriend who is also their only Dom.

But what about Master/slave relationships? If they’re ‘full-time’, shouldn’t they also be monogamous?

This is where things get tricky, because I’m sure people have very different ideas of how a committed Master/slave relationship ‘should’ work. I can only talk about my own experiences and opinions, so I’ll limit this post to those.

Personally, I’ve always felt that a slave should be exclusive to his Master, but that a Master need not limit himself to one slave. If this seems like a double standard to you…well, it is, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing! For me it goes back to a slave’s role, which is to serve and please his Master. Isn’t it more desirable for a Master to know that a slave is committed entirely to him, without having his attentions divided among multiple people?

In reality, of course, whether this is going to work for you will depend largely on your personality. If you can’t imagine yourself ‘sharing’ a partner with someone regardless of the circumstances, then no amount of high-minded philosophising about BDSM power dynamics is going to make it easy for you to know that your Master is seeing slaves other than you. For me it’s never been an issue at all, but that doesn’t mean everyone will feel the same way.

As with any other kind of relationship, it probably helps if both people are open with each other. Even if you’re okay with the thought of sharing your Master with other people in theory, being kept in the dark about what he’s doing with other people still might not be much fun. That’s the kind of thing you’ll want to discuss in detail at the beginning of the relationship, before either of you commits to anything long-term.

It’s also possible that you might end up sharing a Master with more than just subs, and this is where the fictional scenario I described in the first few paragraphs breaks down a bit further. How often do you see couples in books where the Master has a husband or partner in addition to a slave (or slaves)? It’s actually quite common in real life, but maybe it doesn’t fit with a fictional narrative too well!

Whether you can make a situation like that work is largely going to come down to the three (or more) people involved, which is why I think it’s so important not to rush into anything when it comes to BDSM relationships. I’m sure you have a mental image of the ideal Master/slave relationship – open or monogamous, two people or three (or four, or five…), or some other configuration that I haven’t even thought of. If you look hard enough, you’re bound to find someone else who is looking for the something similar enough that you can make it work.

And if you are writing BDSM fiction, leave yourself open to the huge variety of relationships that exist in the BDSM world. There’s a lot more out there than just plain monogamy!

Master Tim – In a relationship where the dominant has more than one slave, or submissive, the person accorded the greatest power or respect among all the slaves may be referred to as the alpha. The alpha slave has seniority over the others and may help the Dom, or Master to train, organise and even, with permission, to use them for the benefit or entertainment of his Master. The alpha may not be the oldest or the longest serving of the Master’s subs but he will be chosen on merit to fulfil the role. In my case, my alpha has served me fully and faithfully for over 10 years and come to be a significant member of my family.